기억

기억이라는것은 참 무서운거다.

오래전 일들 이지만 머리속에 맴돌아 나를 가끔 괴롭게한다.

내가 얼마나 어리석었는지

내가 얼마나 바보같았는지

내가 얼마나 잘난줄 알았는지...

내가 얼마나 하나님을 잘 몰랐었는지..

참 영원할것 같던 것들도 다 떠나고

용서받아야할 죄

잊지 못할 안타까운 기억들

바보같았던 실수들...

한번에 다 울고 아프고 회개하고

행복해 지고싶다. 상처도 지우고싶다. 한번에. 싹

근데 그게 그렇게 되는게 아닌가봐

하나님은 하나하나씩...차근차근...내가 회개하기 원하시나봐

실수를 또하고 -

죄를 또 짓고

하나님을 알면서도 또 또...하는 나를 보면 참 하나님은..

나같은 놈한테..이렇게 많은 사랑과 복으로...채우시니...

그냥 할말이 없다. 나를 수백번 용서하시고...수백번 가르치시고..또 수백밴..용서하실테니.

너무...말이 안되고...그래서...할말이 없다.

진짜..내 인생은 내것이 아니다...하나님것이다..

내가 하나님께 해드릴것은..그것 뿐이다...

이게 진정한 감사라는것인가..?

Pics from my teenage years

I have been coming to realize that my 4 years of boarding school experience have been so influential in my life. (Dorm experience, learning how to deal with people - social experience, learning to be independent, learning to walk with God alone without my parents or chirstian community, finding my identity as a Christian, Korean or Korean-American wutever...etc etc). The list can go on forever. For sure, there were some unhealthy aspects of it too.

However, I believe that I was able to survive, learn and end up with wonderful memories and experiences by God's total control in my life.

Here are some pictures from those days.

School Bell Tower - there s wireless internet :)

Also this place is called "the dating zone." A lot of students who have bf or gf spend much time here after school or during meal time.

Florida does have the most beautiful sky.

Believe it or not - I had a lot of non-asian friends. These are Jon and Kris. We went to school together for 5 years - lived in the same dormitory. Kris was one of the closest buds I had.

By the way, I took this pic at the prom in my jr. year.

After Graduation. Oh gosh- I cried so much. My senior class was about...85 people and I knew every single one of them. What a beautiful way to end my jounery.

In 2005 - the aftermath of Hurrican. Yes this was the one of the biggest hurricanes in my life.

AP English Literature class.

Dining Hall

These are the Korean friends who I had the strongest bonds with.

Yes, there were many dramas among us, but we ended up with so many stories and memories to remember. And, of course- my uniform. I enjoyed wearing them. I was able to learn how to dress since these days....hahaha.

Library

My roommate for 2 years. He is a person who is so different from me. We did not think we would get along. But he became one of my best friends. His life in Georgia tech has been taken over by his architecture projects.

Risk

When our children were young, one of our favorite board games was Risk. World conquest was the objective. Each player mobilized his troops to take possession of countries and continents. It always amused me that the person who initially was leading the game seldom won. The reason is obvious. When other players sensed his mounting pride, they would join together against him.

Whether consciously or subconsciously, it is easy to dislike powerful people who have proud looks. Their very countenance seems to encourage others to throw obstacles in their paths or to be silent objectors.

In today’s Bible reading, we are told that God hates seven things. Tellingly, the first is pride. When someone overvalues himself by undervaluing others, he inevitably reveals it with his proud look. Puffed up in self-conceit, he may also devise evil and sow discord. No wonder God hates proud looks.

Proud and powerful people may think they can disregard others’ displeasure, but they cannot disregard God’s opposition. Peter reminds us not to trust in ourselves but in the One who will exalt us “in due time” (1 Peter 5:6). As we submit to Him, we avoid the risk that pride brings to our character and we become thankful, humble servants of God. From dailybread

전능하신 나의 주 하나님

전능하신 나의 주 하나님은
능치 못하실 일 전혀 없네
우리의 모든 간구도
우리의 모든 생각도
우리의 모든 꿈과 모든 소망도

신실하신 나의 주 하나님은
우리의 모든 괴로움 바꿀수 있네
불가능한 일 행하시고
죽은 자를 일으키시니
그를 이길자 아무도 없네

주의 말씀 의지하여 깊은 곳에 그물 던져
오늘 그가 놀라운 일을 이루시는 것 보라
주의 말씀 의지하여 믿음으로 그물 던져
믿는 자에게 능치 못함 없네

신실하신 나의 주 하나님은
우리의 모든 괴로움 바꿀 수 있네
불가능한 일 행하시고
죽은 자를 일으키시니
그를 이길자 아무도 없네

주의 말씀 의지하여 깊은 곳에 그물 던져
오늘 그가 놀라운 일을 이루시는 것 보라
주의 말씀 의지하여 믿음으로 그물 던져
믿는 자에게 능치 못함 없네

Calling: 부르심

"Consecration is not the giving over of the calling in life to God, but the separation from all other callings and the giving over the ourselves to God, letting His providence place us where He will - in business, or law, or science; in workshop, in politics, or in drudgery. We are to be there working according to the laws and principles of the Kingdom of God." - Oswald C.

When I am the right person before God, I can do whatever task He send, wherever He puts me. In so doing, I would discover and affirm His calling for me. Perhaps, I should pause from praying like "God, what is my calling? what do you want me to do?" - It is not what I do but who I am - thats more important.

God remembers

This is kinda stupid...but sometimes I wonder how God is with everyone for 24/7.
How does he remember everything. It is just so hard to understand with my limited understanding of him. How does he remember everything?

God remembered Noah, and every living thing, and all the animals that were with him in the ark
- Genesis 8:1

Recently, God gave me a solution for one problem I was struggling with. I do not even remember if I prayed enough or wrestled with God urgently. I just kinda let it go and tried to forget. Up until now, I forgot about everything about that problem....but recently, God powerfully spoke to me and gave me a solution for it - "holy Cow"

Jesus remembered the dying thief who said "Lord remembered me when you come into your kingdom." Despite so much pain, Jesus replied "Today you will be with me in heaven." That's how much God wants to remember everything about me.

My pain is his pain. He is the all-seeing God who remembers what I need.

Speak Nicely

can people say things nicely?...
or am I just too sensitive?

trying to be blunt and strong...makes me feel like I am denying who I am.
에휴~sigh

World Champ

The New York Times
March 29, 2009
Kim Sets a Skating Record and Wins Her First World Title

By JULIET MACUR
LOS ANGELES — More than an hour after Kim Yu-na won the world figure skating championship Saturday, she remained on the ice here, skating laps around the arena with a South Korean flag wrapped around her body.

She stopped to sign autographs and pose for photographs with her fans, many from the large Korean community here. She doled out high-fives. But most of all, she soaked in the moment.

For the past two world championships, the best Kim could do was third place. But this time, she did not let that happen. And there was not much of a chance that it would.

For the second night in a row, Kim performed yet another elegant, seemingly effortless routine that enthralled the crowd — and the judges.

After her long program Saturday, she earned a total score of 207.71 points — the first time a female skater has broken the 200-point mark. Less than one year before the 2010 Vancouver Olympics, the 18-year-old Kim dominated the world championships by more than 16 points.

“I don’t think about the points,” she said afterward, sparkling in her red rhinestone-accented dress. “Being the world champion was my dream and I did it here, so this is just amazing.”

Joannie Rochette of Canada won the silver medal, with 191.29 points. In third was Miki Ando of Japan, the 2007 world champion. She had 190.38 points.

Mao Asada, Kim’s longtime rival and the 2008 world champion, was fourth, with 188.09 points. She dropped her head when her program was done.

Asada, from Japan, had attempted two triple axels, a daring move, but she fell on the second. For her to even possibly pass Kim, she had needed to be mistake-free.

“It is very regrettable that I fell, but I didn’t let it affect the rest of my performance,” Asada said. “So I’m satisfied.”

The two American women competing at the worlds, Alissa Czisny and Rachael Flatt, left less than satisfied, however.

They had failed to place high enough to earn three entries for the coming Winter Games. To earn those spots, they had to finish 13th or better here, combined, but only rose to 16th. For the first time since 1994, the United States will have only two skaters in the women’s event at an Olympics.

Czisny, who won the United States national championship in January, finished 11th, with 159.78 points. Flatt, the 2008 junior world champion, finished fifth, with 172.41

“The outcome is not in my hands,” Czisny said of the United States team having only two entries for Vancouver. “There’s nothing I can do about it.”

After falling twice in her short program, Czisny redeemed herself in her long program, skating to the soundtrack from Dr. Zhivago. Before heading onto the ice, she said she tried to forget about the pressure. It helped.

She landed three triple jumps cleanly and smiled wide, a rare sight this week.

Flatt, however, had hardly stopped smiling during these world championships, her first one at the senior level. For her program, which had six clean triples, she was given her best long-program score yet: 113.11.

To celebrate, she said, she is going to Disneyland.

“Skating two pretty solid programs was very exciting for my first worlds,” Flatt, 16, said. “This experience was irreplaceable. I couldn’t ask for anything more.”

Kim could not ask for much more, either.

She grinned when she landed some jumps during her long program. For others, she let her mouth fall open in amazement.

She aborted one triple jump, then also missed one of her spins, receiving zero points for it. But the rest of her program was performed with such ease, she looked as if she were dancing on a stage in ballet slippers — not skating on a slick sheet of ice.

Her short program Friday was just as breathtaking. It was virtually without a flaw and her score showed it. She was given 76.12 points, the best ever for a woman.

After both programs were done, Kim said she was thrilled that she had achieved the biggest goal of her career so far: the world title. But a chance for an Olympic gold medal awaits.

“This world championships is the last competition before the Olympic season, so I really wanted to get this title,” said Kim, who trains with the two-time Olympic medalist Brian Orser in Toronto.

Kim is usually composed when hearing her national anthem play, but that was an impossible feat Saturday.

Soon after the first note sounded, she could not stop tears.

She wiped them off carefully, with the back of her fingers, so not to mess up her makeup. There were too many tears to catch, though, as they rolled down her face.

“I couldn’t hold it in,” she said.

:-)

this picture makes me feel better than getting A+ on exam.
나는 자랑스런 한국인.

It's WARM.

TIME FOR THIS!

No More of This

Thank you God for early Spring!

set of direction

These days, different circumstances tend to rock my world. I think I need a time to breathe deeply knowing that the Creator and Sustainer of all things is involved in my daily life.

I have recently started to pray for my calling. I feel like I am just going through everyday to go to classes, study, go to life group, simply following my schedule. I am not really running hard to reach certain goals or future plans. I have been sensing this urge to have a set of direction in my life.

A good thing is that God has been showing me little signs or hints.

1) Do my best.
God reminded me something so important today through my old journal that I wrote back in high school - what God wants from me is to do my best and stay faithful in any circumstances. God is going to unexpectedly open doors for me.

2) Be active in seeking.
I don't know what my specific destiny will be, but another thing God spoke to me; the only ones among us who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve.

I have to make so many important decisions in this month. Through this decision making process, I hope to learn how to be more sensitive to the Holy spirit and truly be able to listen to him. And as I remember God's faithfulness in the past and trust in God's promises for the future. May I live powerfully by faith in the present moment....... [!] hopefully.

untitled

Alex, Jenn and I were talking...blah blah blah..
....
Jenn: "이 싸가지.....없는 새끼"

-_-

I need to be careful with my korean.

dont want to write.

i want to go back to my old north campus studio. right now.
Those times when I was able to express something deep in my heart.

Let's meet up...

"Let's meet up!" is one of my favorite things to say. I love spending times with people. I love deep conversations and feelings that come out from intimate settings. One of great things about my community here is that I get to always interact with various age groups. All of them give various perspectives to my limited thinking capacity...

1) Younger people
For this year, I only have remedy bros and sis.. hahaha.
They are always excited to share about their first year and their observations. I feel brand new passion, and exuberance in their stories, gestures and stuff. Sometimes, they really challenge me, reminding me that I have been losing enthusiasm that I used to have.

When i share my limited experience or whatever, they tend to listen carefully and give warm respects (at least ones that I am close to). I hope they do hahaha.

Plus, I usually try to pay for their meals or coffees. It is not because I am rich or anything..but I believe that I have to give back all the blessings I have got since I was young.

2) Peers
I remember we all used to eat at southquad all together and stay at angel until 4 0r 5 am - just talking about so many things...

This year is little different. Thankfully, since most of us live in south/west quads, we still often eat together and study together at wedge room. (oh, wedge room, where real conversations come out!) There are always some juicy stuff to share.

Because we got little busier this year with many things, it has been harder to even catch up with many people...but there is always a sense of closeness or tightness among us even though we do not see each other everyday.

Typical topics:
1) everyday struggle
2) sophomore slumps?
3) I hate studying
4) church...stuff?
5) "i cannot believe springbreak is over!!"

3) Oldies
I love talking to older brothers and sisters...they always teach me something cool or deep every time. There are some brothers that I have been meeting up consistently. The hardest part would be when they become truly "REAL" with me and challenge me - but it is always humbling to see them sharing their previous mistakes or lessons.

Typical topics:
1) Girl issues
2) Emotional breakdown
3) Future callings
4) "I have to make a decision"
5) "I don't know what to do with my life!"
6) "Guy" stuff
7) spiritual battles

L E N T

1) No Red meats
(It officially started today because I FORGOT that meatballs are made of red meats! Sigh...church refreshments so good after the service!)

2) Chapel times at least 3 days a week
(Trying to connect with God at more intimate setting)

3) this is....a Secret one
(Learning to be more sensitive to the Holy Spirit speaking into my life)

Acts 10...

It's interesting that the centurion is already a God-fearing man meaning that in its basic definition, he was a Christian. Centurions were Roman soldiers and was rare for Roman citizens to yet be a believer, although there was another recorded in the Bible before this (e.g. at Jesus' crucifixion). I think this chapter shows the heart of a transcultural person. Someone had to have crossed that cultural barrier to convert this Roman centurion to Christianity. And now Peter comes to confirm that call and allow the Holy Spirit to fall on everyone in that household.

lalala

Right now, we are enjoying the last night here - showering, uploading pictures, wearing things we bought and laughing hard while looking at pictures. I just want to say the times went so fast. Oh my, I feel like it was yesterday we went to Busch Gardens. Only two things left now: thankfulness and memories.

These guys are the ones I have closely kept relationships, but throughout the trip, we have got to know each other little more. Even our conversations were so fruitful: our struggles, everyday issues, studies, girls, pride, money...whatever those were - we were able to be so open to each other and challenge one another with different perspectives. Most importantly, we spent so much time talking about our spiritual lives. Actually my brother, who drove us to many places, found really interesting that we spent so much time on talking about God. Not that we are getting holier or anything but...I want to say...God has been opening our eyes to see bigger pictures in our lives.

Anyhow, I think God blessed us tremendously throughout the trips - we had no fights or anything...always able to come to agreements. I really dont want to go back to Michigan right now but...I am excited how five of us would use these memories to continue building our friendship even stronger...

I also thank my parents who have covered us so much with money, resources, food and prayers..too :-)

randomness

I just saw bo's latest entry that was written in Chinese. i thought that was super cool - so...tada

요새 한국말 많이 잊어버린것 같애. 얼마전에 샘이랑 기도하다가 한국말로 기도할려는데...말이 생각이 안나더라고..아씨 ㅋㅋㅋ 완전 모야. 난 영원한 fob 이라고 생각했는데...한 7-8년간 영어만 그래도 쓰니까 많이까먹는것은 어쩔수 없는가봐... 요새 마음이 괜히 복잡해. sophomore year 아무래도 새로운 생각들과 경험이 좀 나를 당황 스럽게 하는가봐. 예전에 크게 보이던것들이 작아 보이고, 하찮게 보이던것들이 귀하고 소중하게 느껴줘.

난 참 복 많은 사람이라고 생각해. 난 고생 안하고 좋은 가족들과 교회에서 자랐어. 하나님 단 한번도 날 실망시키지 않으셨고, 내 생각 하나하나 기억하시던걸. 가끔 요새 high school 생각이 많이 나...dorm 살면서 처음에 얼마나 외로웠던지... 엄마아빠 형이 보고싶어서 책상에서 많이 울기도 했어그때 마다 - 정말 거짓말 안치고 성경책을 내 친구처럼 생각하면서 지냈어..아빠가 항상 그러셨어..우리 조금 떨어져있더라도 아빠가 은일이 위해서 하나님께 천사를 보내서 은일이 지켜달라고...그래서 high school 힘들었지만. 너무 행복했어. 정말 주님이 보내신 천사가 날 보호했나봐...

대학교 재밌기만 하더니. 요샌 조금 힘드네....그래도 교회가서 설교를 들으면 힘이나. 친구들 보면 웃음이나고. 벌써 2학년이야..와...남은 2년간 무엇보다 주님과의 1:1 관계를 더욱 깊게 만들어야겟다고 생각해.. 아 내일 시험이다 머리아파.

곧 집에 간다... :)

....

"I am not letting you go unless you bless me."
-Jacob

A lesson from chinese philosophy

"Xunzi believed that humans are essentially evil (or at least selfish) and therefore it is necessary to have ren (benevolence), li (ritual/propriety) and fa (law) to enable them to develop themselves and overcome their base urges."

dont know why this sounds so powerful to me at this moment.